exams: a post-mortem

Edit1: Added graph showing how I felt within the first half hour (or less) after an exam
Edit2: I haven't gotten my results back.

Ah! I just walked out of the testing center. I turned in all my scratch paper and didn't even think twice about nicking the No. 2 pencils. I'm feeling great. I just totally nailed that exam. "Hello, Career? Where's your ladder? I'm coming up."

Six seconds later: Panic!

"Hmm...Did I exit the exam correctly? What if it didn't save my answers? Oh my! Stupid. Stupid."

My legs start to weaken. Must. Reach. Car.

"I should've stuck with C. Should it have been I, II, III AND IV? Did I move the line?"

I just sit in my car for the next three minutes trying to convince myself that my answer choices were the best ones, and that the computer also saved all my answers. Rational left brain kicks in.

"Naaah! I had to move that line. It was following the wrong sketch line, Silly. I made the right decision. And it was definitely B. Choice C wouldn't even make sense to a five year old. And IV? Hah! That was definitely NOT true. So obvious."

Then I go check the Internet to see if I had to do something special to exit the exam. Search "magic hidden save button" and "exam exiting procedure" and "did the computer just eat my exam?" (Pop quiz: Which search string did I really use on Google? Answer: Of course, C. Wait, nope, it's B. Yes?) It turns out, the computer saves all my answers every minute or so. Hooray for autosave!

OK, I'm awesome again. Well, maybe 86% awesome.

I never realized how many traffic lights were on my route home. At each red light, I think about more questions. More items I think I got wrong, or maybe I actually got right but mis-clicked the incorrect answer. It snowballs until I come to the conclusion that I have just definitely failed that exam. 48% max. Wait, Washington DC IS the capital of the US. At least, I know for sure that's correct. Oh, blurgh, that was just the sample question!

"Sh%t! Aaaargh! Rehabilitation! No! It WAS Sitte! F%ck! I should have put 5. OHMYGOD! Noooooo!"

Time elapsed after leaving the testing center: 18 minutes. Real life roller coasters don't even go on for this long. Most definitely counting this experience as self-inflicted torture, which when I look back, I've gone through every time I finished a major exam.

Almost.

I am 110% sure I killed it during the AP Calculus exam: x equals negative b plus/minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac over 2a, bitch!

tales from the chat archive: name change and american history

it started with one question: if you could change your legal name, what would you change it to?

3:31 PM preston: preston vanderbilt

 unnamed: looks like you've already used that alias

  sounds very old money

3:32 PM you should add "Preston Vanderbilt IV"

  "yeah, mah daddy owned a steel mill"

3:33 PM preston: hahha

  i want to be the third

  car money

3:34 PM or industrial business money

3:35 PM unnamed: well...the vanderbilts were known for cornering the railroad and shipping biz

  i think i'm confusing my early america multi-millionaires/business moguls

  i think steel was the rockefellers

3:36 PM preston: hah

 unnamed: aaargh.....they're oil

  who got steel??

3:37 PM Carnegie!

  i love wikipedia!

3:39 PM preston: hahah

3:40 PM i dont like that name though

3:41 PM unnamed: carnegie?

  or preston (looks up "preston vanderbilt" on facebook)

  http://www.facebook.com/people/Preston-Vanderbilt/100000552379996

  of course he plays lacrosse

3:42 PM OF COURSE

3:45 PM preston: oh gosh!

  he took my name!

 emmanuelle (fmr unnamed): i'll be emmanuelle le croix and move to morocco and pretend to be a prima ballerina who got forced into retirement

3:46 PM preston: lololol

3:47 PM emmanuelle: "i hate that yvonne...stupide french beetch"

lessons learned:
1. there is an actual Preston Vanderbilt and he plays lacrosse. his trust fund kicked in years ago. where do you think he got the money to pay for that island?!
2. if you meet Emmanuelle Le Croix, please don't mention ballet or Yvonne. she has a new career and bff now.
3. you can't win in trivial pursuit if you keep interchanging the names of the families who helped build america.

"are you gonna eat that?" and other things we said this weekend

R: On a trip to France in high school, I got nicknamed "La Poubelle."
S: Everything sounds better in French. Just don't tell people what it really means.*

P: (reading the brunch menu) Eggs Cheese Pake
J: Egg Cheesecake?!
F: It's Chesapeake.
J: (to P) I know you're from up north, but where exactly?

J: I am more motivated by good food rather than money.

J: Going to Dunkin Donuts was the best decision of the night.

G: If my kid wants to be a basket weaver, I'd support him, but he better be the best [motherf'n] basket weaver out there.

J: I got a letter from the state bar asking me to explain my propensity to disregard VA traffic laws...First of all, it was a bad year.

J: But I'm passive-aggressive. I'd be, "What do YOU think is missing from this cake cutting?"
G: That takes too many calories to say. I'd be like, "Fork. NOW."

F: Of all the superheroes, I don't like Spider-man. He's so whiny.
J: Well, he is a teenager.

J: How is Kristen Stewart more beautiful than Charlize Theron?
S: How is Kristen Stewart an actress?

*Curious? La Poubelle means garbage can.

just go with it

instead of sending a correction about their father's day deals faux pas, groupon decided to roll with it.

i especially like the photoshopped dad who's probably on his third trimester.